A kingdom for a headline!

In today’s Turkish Daily News (TDN) one could find an article about Hamam owners claiming that the baths and saunas in 5-star hotels do not reflect Turkish culture are going to start a campaign to promote the traditional Turkish Hamam.

That’s it.

Today’s most important story . . . for hamam owners.

And for most readers: A banal story.

So how to attract reader’s interest?

A kingdom for a headline!

- Campaign promotes traditional Hamam

Hm, that’s it, actually. But …

- Traditional Hamams: We are the Stars

A little more entertaining, but . . .

Ah!!! Heureka!!! . . . No. That’s Greek. . . . er ... I got it!!!!!!

Hamam owners declare war on five-star hotels


Epilogue:
Do not blame the writer, rather his teacher(s)!

Turkish medias' strange silence

Quite a few well-known media in Turkey meanwhile could know that Turkish bloggers are banned from access to wordpress.com, as their chief columnists received emails, in which they have been told the brief fact, in which they got offered some links for basic research, in which they have been asked to start / initiate investigation and as soon as possible publish the story (behind), as it's a matter of "freedom of speech" respectively censorship!

There has, yet, not been any reply.

Does article 301 apply for Erdoğan ?

In an article published by Hürriyet, Bekir Coşkun essentially proclaimed that he would not recognize Abdullah Gül his president.

Obviously filled with deep indignation, in a "direct" response - via TV - (future Ex-) Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdoğan (RTE) said: "If he is not your president, then renounce your citizenship of this country."

As one of the politest blogger on this planet one might only say: Sic tacuisses . . .

However, can anybody imagine RTE being a philosopher?

Rather there will be a prosecutor putting his eminent magnificence on trial under article 301 for insulting the Turkishness of 53,41 per cent of all Turkish voters who did not vote for his (sic!) party.

Impossible? Cave Cihan, would-be padişah! Not in Turkey.

Thus, let's wait and . . . meanwhile read comments penned by two most respectable Turkish columnists: Yusuf Kanli and Murat Yetkin.

Nothing else to do

In case you would still doubt the correctness of Schopenhauer's conclusion wherupon genitals are the sounding-board of brain, you will find another evidence here.

Pestering Problem

Just to keep you informed about the most important problem keeping 70 million Turks on tenterhooks.

Having read this and this and this you might murmur like Tetrapilotomos:
"I did not see one single tiny hair, one could cut into four pieces."

Good to have somebody to cut the problem in pieces . . .

Turkey: wordpress-blogs banned

Aber man wird nicht sagen:
Die Zeiten waren finster
Sondern: Warum haben ihre Dichter geschwiegen?
(Bertolt Brecht)

However one will not say:
Those times were dark
But: Why did their poets keep quiet?


Replacing poets by bloggers, it's easy to know what to do after having read the following:

Turkish bloggers are being banned from access to wordpress.com!

There does not exist any official statement, yet, nor did Turkish
newspapers like TDN and Today's Zaman mention the fact.

For the beginning, a little more information here and here and here.

Turkey and Europe: The Way Ahead

The International Crisis Group has published its Europe Report No. 184.

The "Executive Summary and Recommendations" you find

in English here

in Turkish here


The full report is available as a pdf-file.

Güle gidin!

Being distracted from posting by my closest friend who unfortunately managed to implicate me in a discussion without any emotional blockade about prophets, quad negations, pleonasms and redudancy, I leave the field to the first Flann O'Brian Prize Winner.

Your turn, Mr. Bekdil!


And now
The Peace of the Night.

Güle gidin!

False prophet's surprise

In the dusk a man entered a village and claimed to be a prophet. The countrymen did not believe him, yet. "Prove it", they demanded.

The man pointed at the opposite wall and asked: "If this wall spoke and affirmed I am a prophet, would you believe me, then?"

By Allah, then we shall believe you", they shouted.

The man turned to the wall, put forth one hand and commanded: "Speak, oh wall!"

And the wall began to speak: "This man is no prophet. He's fooling you. He is no prophet."


As to my knowledge there does not exist an English version of Zülfü Livaneli's "Engereğingözüdeki kamaşma", published 1996 by Can Yayinlari Ltd. Sti, Istanbul,

I tried to translate the perhaps most amazing and sophisticated beginning of all novels I came to read within the past couple of years.
The author may consider my humble attempt a kind of hommage.

No need to dig up Gogol

Just to make sure that Nikolai Vasilievich Gogol will not posthumously being accused of insulting Turkishness, and - in order to serve his sentence - digged up:
When writing his "Diary of a Madman", Gogol did neither think of any future Ex-leader of the CHP who's tongue would be as swift as six arrows as long as its not about responsible politics, nor of any future Ex-Prime Minister who would call people complaining about having no water for eleven days, exaggerating; nor any future Ex-Mayor of Ankara who would rather ask those still believing in a God to pray for rain instead of retiring and henceforth humbly living in his water-tanker; nor any prosecutor keen to always - or at least ONCE - find his way in the limelight; nor . . .
[ ah, what a pity the English language does not know the word Profilneurotiker!]

Having written this, you may leave this site to learn a little more about the Turkish art of self-irony in general and in particular, here.

Noble invitations by Erdoğan and Gökçek

Piece four:

You read the notorious Mr. Kanli’s masterpiece of self pity as recommended in Piece three?

Well, according to my closest friend’s absolutely honest and trustworthy source who had been invited to take a shower in Mr. Erdoğan’s humble home, despite “being disgusted by being quoted out of the context”, Turkey’s future Ex-Prime Minister would not insist on prosecuting Mr. Kanli.

”But, of course, the Turkish justice is independent. Therefore, I can not anticipate any prosecutor's reaction when coming to know all those fiercely insults against the padişah – er – the Prime Minister.”

And here is what Mr. Kanli withhold his readers:

The nice, pretty, cute Mr. Gökçek according to my closest friend’s source assured while they (Mr. Gökçek, Mr. Mr. Erdoğan and Tetrapilotomos’ source) had a tea – prepared, by the way, with impeccable clean water - in the future Ex-mayor’s humble home: “I did never ever say people should leave Ankara for a holiday. I invited them to enjoy holiday in my home.”

And thus the trialogue went on:

The future Ex-Prime Minister: “That’s what our cute mayor said.”

Question: But the water shortage? Imagine only 500.000 people taking a shower in your convivial home?

The cute Mr. Gökçek: “Well, no problem.”

The future Ex-Prime Minister: “Indeed. As said, we have no water problem in our house. We have a water tanker. The people – and it makes me really sad that Mr. Kanli would not mention this in his column – are invited to have their showers in my humble home. I do only ask everybody to turn water off, while lathering and while brushing the teeth.”

Despite of this really wonderful report about an altruistic future Ex-Prime Minister and a future Ex-mayor, our source ends with a thought provoking postscriptum:

What will happen when all citizens come to know of these generous invitations? Will there come the moment when the padişah – ehem – the future Ex-Prime Minister will be quoted by the notorious Mr. Kanli saying: “Now the people have been absolutely exaggerating. My water tanker's empty.”?

Considerably exaggerated

Piece three:

We have no water problem in our house. We have a water tanker. I think the water problem is considerably exaggerated, says Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdoğan

These are the key-sentences, TDN-editor Yussuf Kanli chose for his Monday-column, in which he complains about a short period of three days he has been short of water.

But read and judge yourself.

Turkish lesson as warm-up

Piece two.

Well, and herewith we enter the world of very very bad journalism.

Before leading you to the essential inheritent interior essence which is hidden in the root of the kernel of quoting Prime Ministers out of the context, let’s have a tiny Turkish lesson.

Today’s curriculum: Help yourself, create your (n)omen.

Gökçek contains of

a) gök = sky/heaven ; skyblue; cyan; unripe;

b) çek = cheque

And here some additional translation aids:

gökgözlü = blue-eyed which in turn in German is also metaphorically for “in good faith”.

gökkandil = dead drunk

Finally:
Knowing I’d interrupt her digging for water, I asked a friend in Ankara – by the way, without ANY explaining context - if Melih means the same as does melik (king).

Answer:
Dictionary says: nice, pretty, cute.
His parents couldn’t guess how tricky & dishonest he would be.

Some infidel facts about water

As a welcome-present for my closest friend, Tetrapilotomos, who just returned from a visit to Rome and the Vatican - where he has put in some thousand good words for a poor poor Member of the Italian Parliament, thus trying to make sure the humble victim of loneliness would soon receive forgiveness from God and his wife -, I shall give in to his request to demonstrate how to cut one post into four.

All right then.
To start with the beginning.

Piece one.

Here are some so-called facts for all those still tending to rely on science-based expertise.
Being published on Bloom’s Day, it is, of course, infidel stuff for all those claiming to know that water-shortage in Turkey has been intelligently designed approximately 10.000 years ago.

Baykal takes Brecht's advice

Recently Mr. Baykal has already been congratulated on his and his (sic!) Party's tremendous election triumph. But one can not often enough repeat it.

According to our absolutely honest and trustworthy source, for approximately 80 per cent of the Turkish people Deniz the Magnificent is the outstanding thinker and theoretican who has fully mastered Atatürk's revolutionary ideas; he is the sagacious leader of his Party and people who is possessed of brilliant wisdom, unusual insight and refined art of leadership; and he is the real leader of the people who has unboundedly lofty virtues.

TDN's Yusuf Kanli seems not able to accept Mr. Baykal's victory. Mr. Kanli is even mocking about Deniz the Magnificent.

But we know better.
Mr. Baykal and his (sic!) CHP won.
Not enough to drive Mr. Erdogan to Kars, where he could work as extra at the revolutionary local theatre, when it is next time snowing.

But - and nobody could deny: Only about 30 per cent more, and Mr. Baykal and his (sic!) Party would even have won the absolute majority.

Now, why did / COULD this not happen?
Officially one could hear all those arguments Mr. Kanli is mocking about.
One should not blame him, though. He does not know better. He CAN not know better.

Fortunately we can and DO.

According to my closest friend's either omnipresent and absolutely honest and trustworthy source, who's deep throat knows the büyükbaba - not to muddle up with Büyükanit - thus again: who knows the grandfather whose cousin's grandson's aunt knows the sister of a very very influential editor of Cumhurriyet, Deniz the Magnificent has told this extraordinary influential beacon of independant and unbribable Turkish journalism - sub rosa and off the records - the ultimate reason why him and his (sic!) Party would not get - at least - 98,9 per cent of the votes: "The stupid people did not vote for us. But at the next election WE shall turn the table. WE elect a new people."

The very very influential editor has not been seen, since. Influenza, it says.

Büyükanit or The Name of the General

Just about to assure you that the Turkish military (slogan: Peace at home – Peace in the World) have not yet changed their understanding of democracy, by recommending to read this and this, my closest friend happened to drop in.

- Ah, General Büyükanit remembering his people of what party is de facto ruling Turkey?

- General Büyükanit is doing nothing but his duty.

- Which is – according to George Bernard Shaw – what a stupid man always declares when doing something he is ashamed of.

- Let’s be serious, Tetrapilotomos. There have 46,59 per cent been voting for the AKP.

- Thus 53,41 per cent voted for a putsch. Which is, by the way, bigger a margin than George Bush once could let his little brother organise in Florida.

- What are you going to tell, then?

- Nomen est omen, would you agree?

- Hm.

- Nomina sunt omina?

- Yes, yes , ...

- So let's look at Büyükanit.

- Oh, please, Tetrapilotomos, no jokes with names.

- I am just trying to inform those of your readers who unlike you are fluent in spoken and written English, but like you do not speak Turkish.

- We shall speak about this later on; without any emotional blockade and off the records. Go on then.

- All right, to cut it short: büyük means great; anit means memorial; thus, Büyükanit means Great memorial.

- Ah, isn’t it nice to have - even being - one’s own memorial in one’s lifetime?!

- I have not finished, yet. Would you agree that language is magic?

- I do, for the first time after a long interval.

- Now, a Turkish native speaker would perhaps know better. But, one can read General Greatmemorial’s name Büyük-anit and/or Büyü-kanit.

- Interesting. And what does this teach my readers?

- büyü means sorcery / witchcraft / witchery / wizardry; kanit means evidence / proof / argument; thus, Büyükanit means f.e. Evidence of Wizardry.

- And what is the essential inheritent interior essence which is hidden in the root of the kernel of everything, and thus in your words?

- Depending on what spell General Büyükanit will be casting when it’s coming to presidential election, once the Turkish people might build him a memorial – perhaps even in their collective memory.

Cave Cihan, Mr. Erdoğan!

Forget about what I have been posting yesterday.
Of course, Tayyip Erdoğan is the winner of election in Turkey.

Congratulations, Mr. Erdoğan.

I, me and myself do not have any doubt of your integrity.
My closest friend, though - a writer who would not write for reasons I shall probably never understand - just murmured: "He should not forget forget the mission of July 30th, 2003."

"Well", I said when watching the first photo he showed me from his REUTERS-archive, "not everybody on this planet is a horseman."

"For sure", Tetrapilotomos smiled, "and the photos , OF COURSE, would not have been published in Zaman."
"But why?" I asked. "It's not a shame to get in trouble with a horse."

"Hm, Turkish journalists know pretty well to use the scissors in their mind (brain)."

"Actually, Tetrapilotomos, I think some Turkish journalists are very brave. Much more brave, indeed, than I'd be."

"Well, Sean, it's not because of the horse alone. It's because of the horse's name."

"C'mon, Tetrapilotomos, what was or is the horse's name?!"

"Cihan."

"Sounds nice."

"Indeed, it does. But would you like to be unhorsed by the 'World'?"

Congratulations, Mr. Baykal!

Less shock but awful awe let me wait until tonight so that I could listen on the 266th anniversary of Vivaldi's death to his oratorio Juditha Turkey triumphans* while congratulating the greatest Turkish politician of all times, Mr. Deniz Baykal, on his and his (sic) party's tremendous election triumph last Sunday.

No doubt that Turkey's next Prime Minister and President (the rest of the world just would not know the real facts, yet) would dispense lenity to horrific ignorants like Yusuf Kanli, although such smocks not being able to read the auspices, would surely deserve to enjoy (at least) the next legislative period on water and bread old as the hills.

Isn't Wikepedia wrong and doesn't Article 301 in fact read: "A person who publicly denigrates Deniz the Magnificent, shall be punishable by imprisonment of between 48 months and four years"?

No doubt either Mr. Baykal could say: "It's not correct that Deniz Baykal is the greatest politician ever born on Turkish soil. True is however that there has never been a greater politician."

* Don't believe what you will read at Wikepedia. Here you get the real historical fact: Juditha Turkey triumphans (RV 644), composed in 1716, is one of his masterpieces. It was commissioned to celebrate the victory of the Turks under the command of one predecessor of Deniz the Magnificant (Baykal) against the Republic of Venice.

In dubio pro Bekdil AND Akyol

As promised in the (hopefully not) last post, here is the jury's result:

The Flann O'Brien Prize Winner is ...

- Sean!?!
- Yes, Tetrapilotomos?
- Who do you think deserves the prize?
- Actually, I could not decide. Both, Mr. Akyol and Mr. Bekdil deserve it.
- I fear, Mr. Akyol would not appreciate to share the prize.
- Why shouldn't he?
- He is missionary, while deep in Mr. Bekdil's heart the serpent "Sarcasm" is darting. Mr. Akyol seriously believes in what he is writing, while Mr. Bekdil does not take himself too serious.
- Hm, Flann O'Brien is not missionary at all. Would you say, Mr. Akyol is not as amusing as Mr. Bekdil?
- I said Mr. Akyol would not be amused to share any prize.
- So, let's wait with the decision, until Mr. Bekdil offers his reply to Mr. Akyol's reply to his, Mr. Bekdil's, reply.
- There won't be a reply to Mr. Akyol's reply to Mr. Bekdil's reply.
- ?
- Mr. Bekdil knows very well that Mr. Akyol would let nobody have the last say, the more when this "Nobody" is an agnostic.
- But there were none of his 2.185 words indecent. And, missionary?! He seemed even glad and proud being able to tell that "the Diyanet, the offical religious body, announced last year that it would cleanse the hadith tradition (the reported sayings and deeds of the prophet) from remarks that humiliate women".
- In other words, Mr. Akyol accepts without protest that the reported sayings and deeds of the prophet would be censored. This is either blasphemy or ...
- Hold on, Tetrapilotomos! The prophet reportedly said this and did that. And you know as well as God and his wife would know that some reporters' skills are ... are ... let's call it suboptimal.
- Well, anyway, I should never write this, but I do hope there would no peaceloving colleague of the late Ayatollah Lankarani come to know of this passage in Mr. Akyol's masterpiece. I mean, it would be blasphemy to think that the prophet did not instruct all good men to beat up their wives whenever they feel like, wouldn't it?
- Hm, what did the friendly looking old man say the other year when there was a two weeks or so campaign for not beating up one's wife in Turkish media: A man who does not beat his wife, is not a man.
- There you are, this humble man surely had studied and internalised the sura important for his character building. And now, suddenly and out of the blue should be wrong what has been right for the past 1387 years?! But we are slightly extravagating. Now, who deserves the prize?
- Be it: Burak Bekdil.
- Why? Because he wrote just one article containing 1.741 words, while Mr. Akyol cast 2.185 pearls for swine?
- No. Because Mr. Bekdil is a true humourist.
- Wrong. Mustafa Akyol is much funnier. And he is an intelligently designed primate.
- He did not explicitly say so. Besides, according to my daughter, who is presently writing her master thesis about Dandyism in the English and French literature of the late 19th century Mr. Akyol might be a fine specimen for Dandyism; by seemingly promoting the idea that there is or has been a potter who's first name is/has not been Harry who about 10.000 years ago took a clot of loam, designed a being, shortly afterwards took a rib of this being and formed him a female so that he would always have something to beat up, Mr. Akyol wins lots of plaudit and praise, while in fact by doing so he is covering his world weariness by making fun of all these poor stupid idiots in the classical sense.
- Mr. Akyol may have some dandyesk attitudes, but I do seriously think he believes what he is writing about intelligent design.
- Couldn't it be that he anticipates the change of wind and that soon there will be enforced intellgently designed biology curricula, and therefore is trimming his sails?
- Is there anything Mr. Yesbut would not anticipate? By the way, nobody, I repeat, nobody could yet thoroughly explain the difference between opportunism and pragmatism.
- Mr. Yesbut?
- Well, you would often if not mostly find Mr. Akyol initially praise any Mr. Siyahyol's opinion with oriental amplification, and after the comma there would follow a but.
-Who is Mr. Siyahyol, Tetrapilotomos?
- Everybody who is not Mr. Akyol.
- ?
- Akyol means White Path. And therefore all those not of Mr. Whitepath's opinion are walking on the black path.
- Doesn't siyah colloquially also mean the same as afyon?
- I don't like dilettantes secretly consulting dictionaries. Neither I know if Mr. Akyol ever got stoned by opium. Actually I think he’d prefer cannabis, but, of course, would probably not inhalate.
- Do you know Mr. Akyol?
- Only by his writing.
- And you think you are fair with what you are talking here?
- Unlike Mr. Akyol I know that I could err.
- Ah, Tetrapilotomos, before we are getting from Pontius to Pilade, let’s make a compromise.
- All right. So, let's award Burak Bekdil the Flann O’Brien Prize, and Mr. Akyol the Huysman & Wilde Prize.

Hurra, we got it!

Turkey in a Nutshell

These are interesting times for the Turkish people. And, no doubt, the times will get not less interesting after today's election.

For those not familiar to Turkish politics, and those who are and therefore would not know how to put into a nutshell what Turkish politics is about, I recommend reading the following masterpieces by Mustafa Akyol and Burak Bekdil in chronological order:
Akyol's artwork published July 12th, Bekdil's reply (July 18th), and Akyol's "sequel" (July 21st).

And - as it's election day - in my next post I shall let you know who my closest friend and I'd vote to become winner of the Flann O'Brian Prize.
Yes, I could right now, but I do not wish to get accused of manipulating my readers' opinion making. :)